


Signs of Love

by the-canary (siruru)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Denial of Feelings, Developing Relationship, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Feelings Realization, Heavy Angst, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Possibly Unrequited Love, Reader-Insert, Self Confidence Issues, Strangers to Lovers, Unresolved Romantic Tension, War Veteran Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-06 14:13:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17346686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siruru/pseuds/the-canary
Summary: It’s was so stupid to fall in love with him.





	1. thank you for lying to me.

**Author's Note:**

> This is for @moonstruckhargrove ‘s writing challenge. please welcome to fabiola listening to sad mexican songs cause of roma. 
> 
> Prompt: “It’s not that complicated.” 
> 
> Feedback is always welcomed.

It’s not that complicated. 

That is the damn sentence that gets you into this damn problem in the first place, what with James needing a date for his holiday party. A way to make his old flame and co-worker — Dolores, if you remember correctly -- jealous, or something of that sort.

_ It’ll have free food and drinks. No funny stuff besides a hold of a waist, maybe a peck on the cheek here and there. _

Pretty standard of a fake relationship, you had seen it a million times before in those rom-coms. However, you weren’t like most of those women that helped their best friends that they were secretly in love with — you hardly knew James, he was more an acquaintance through Wanda and Sam. 

A complete stranger, but you should have known the course that the story takes as well.

_ Just make sure you don’t fall in love with me. _

You should have known with that cocky statement and boyish grin that you were doomed from the beginning.

* * *

 

Hindsight is a gift, you had heard this on a Netflix comedy special once.

Well, it was being an ass right now as you sit on Wanda’s couch, cold and shivering with your heart on the ropes over what you had just seen. Oh, what a simple fool you had been.

“Do you want to talk about it now?” Wanda asks softly as she places a new cup of tea in front of you. She had been waiting on you --bless your best friend’s heart-- since you had arrived her doorstep soaked to the bone and murmuring about Bucky. It was only now, two hours since you had left James’ front door, that you were beginning to gain some semblance of yourself. 

“No, I just don’t,” is all you manage to say with a stiff nod before you take a sip of your tea. Warm, brown eyes keep looking at you with sympathy before her phone starts to ring. She gets up, but not before giving you a pat on the knee as you stare at the cup of warm, clear liquid. 

You end up getting lost in thoughts of where it all went horribly wrong.

* * *

 

The first time that you are alone with James Barnes, no Wanda or extended friends, is in a small coffee shop between his place of work and your apartment. Unlike him who worked in an office, you did most of your business from home unless you were called into to work to some distant place by your boss for months at a time. It had been that way for a few years now and it was something that you enjoyed, though you had to admit it was lonesome at times.

(Maybe, it was that loneliness that caused you to fall so fast for him in the first place is  something you question later on).

James was a friend of Wanda’s through Sam, her coworker. You weren’t there when they all formally became part of your circle of friends, but they seemed all right from the few times that you had interacted with them, though you had to admit that Sam was easier --with his bubbly laughter and tons of stories-- to talk to than it was with James.

“I’m sorry I’m late,” you manage to say without stuttering as serious blue eyes turn to your direction, “Traffic into Midtown was more hectic than I thought it would be.” 

“Everyone is trying to get lunch,” he states, though his manner of speaking and the hard look in face causes you to wonder whether he is simply stating a fact or trying to make a joke. Unsure with what to do, you compromise with giving him a light smile before sitting down and finally noticing the unopened box and coffee in front of you. 

You look up at him in question, only to see him looking away while gripping that back of his neck in obvious embarrassment. 

“I thought you might be hungry, so I order ya something,” he states like it is the most obvious thing in the order as you open the box, “A sandwich and coffee latte with skim milk and two sugas.”

You aren’t sure how he knows your coffee order by heart, but nevertheless you thank him and move forward in trying to get your story together for the party.

* * *

 

The holiday part goes well enough what with you getting in on free food and drinks and laughing at Sam’s jokes. James is stiff around you the entire time, watching the room like a hawk as you give him a friendly smile and pat. It isn’t until halfway into the part that you see her -- red hair and a green dress on the arms someone that you don’t know and neither does James. 

They dance around each other until introductions are made near the banquet table, as she smiles and introduces her date as Brock from the Sales Department. She asks what you do and you do the same, as James tries his hardest to look at anything but her. However, she manages to get his attention with the right words and you’ll wonder for a long time afterwards if that night was a success or a failure over their last exchange of the evening.

“We should all go out sometime,” Dot smiles, as if she is laughing at her own personal joke. 

“Sure,” is all James manages to say, as he grips on your waist just a little too tightly. 

You aren’t sure what game he is playing in the long term, but the fake relationship goes on larger than expected as you turn it into a charade for the rest of the office and Dot to see.

* * *

 

You come to realize that dealing with James when it comes to dates is like that old Katy Perry song -- sometimes, he is hot --treating you with kind smiles and teasing-- and sometimes he is cold as a New York winter -- standoffish and silent. However, he never sways -- always looking at you and never giving Dot the time of day as she makes out with someone across the room -- the other couples enjoying their time as well. 

“You know,” Dot states with a coy smile, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you two kiss before.”

“I-I--”

However, you don’t have time to answer her question as James grabs you and states that you have to go. The ride back to his apartment is silent, as he seethes quietly and you have to wonder if it would be really that bad for him to be seen kissing you -- an odd thought, even though you are only supposed to be fake dating. 

It isn’t until much later, when you are both in his home, that James tells you he doesn’t enjoy people touching him -- that he fears what people might think of him and all his scars and disfigurements from the war. It was one of reasons that Dot had left him in the first place. 

He is hunched over in the small island countertop of his kitchen when you touch his right hand lightly with a small smile on your face.  

“It’s okay, James,” you sigh out as he gives you a commiserating smile, “Take it at your own pace.” 

He leans in a bit more. Blue eyes look at you and then your lips as you raise your eyebrows in question but never stop him, especially when you now know how hard this might actually be for him.

“Could I?” 

You nod without a word, as he presses his lips lightly against yours before moving back and it almost makes you wonder if it was all just a figment of your imagination. However, the second and third and fourth kisses that follow in that dark room prove to you how real it was -- and maybe, that’s when you realize how deeply you could love this man. 

* * *

 

Eventually, Dot stops calling on the both of you for date night and like that it’s all over. 

You try to pretend that you can move on.

* * *

 

Out of the blue --two weeks to be exact--, James asks you on a night out… in his apartment --  no pretenses, no Dot -- just the two of you. And while you find it hard to keep your emotions in check, but you find yourself giddy with the prospect of being alone with him. You enjoyed seeing different sides of him as you spent more time around him and to have it without Dot -- well, that was just a blessing.

You have snacks and movies ready, as you head to his apartment and while you haven’t heard from him in awhile, you were sure if something was wrong he would have told you.

“Please, Jamie,” a familiar voice coons loudly in the hallway as you turn the corner, “You don’t have keep trying to make me jealous. I’m right here.” 

James stays silent, as Dot keeps trying to grab his attention

“Then, what?” Dot questions. Her eyes meeting yours for a split second as she throws in her last trump card, “Are you telling me you’re in love with her?” 

_ “I don’t--” _

You don’t hear the end of his sentence as you drop your bags with a large clatter. Heads turn, but you are already running down the stairs in twos while ignoring the sound of your name being yelled out. 

You run and run, as the rain begins its heavy downpour as you reach the subway station that leads you to Wanda’s house. 

You knew deep down that James didn’t love you, that it had all been a ruse to get over and even with Dot. However, hearing it being said from him -- well, that broke whatever delusion you had been trying to make for yourself.

* * *

 

“I’m gonna go home, Wan,” you state as she comes back from the back room and whoever she was talking to. She gives you a sad smile and you know that she wants you to stay -- to help you in some way, but you don’t want a pity party. 

“At least, let me drive you back,” she states softly but you know that there is no room to stop her -- this is the only compromise that she is willing to give you if you aren’t going to talk about anything for awhile, especially when you were going to leave the States once more. 

It was better this way. 

The ride back to your apartment is silent and cold, as you lean on the window in Wanda’s car. You dare not question anything.

“Thanks, Wan,” is all you manage to say as she gives you a bitter smile before handing you an umbrella. Her warm hand encloses over your still freezing one, as she states with complete sorrow and worry mixed in.

“If you need anything, just let me know,” is all she says as you nod and let go, proceeding to open the umbrella and running into the large entrance of your apartment complex. The guard welcomes you with one look before turning away and nothing is said as you move into the elevator that would lead you into your lonely apartment. 

You try not to think about how there is none standing out in the rain waiting for you -- there are no rainy declarations of love in this story. And with stiff and aching muscles, you move into your dark apartment not bothering nor caring what you trip into or of the sheets suffering from your current state. 

There is only one thing echoing in your head right now, as you dig into the covers -- hoping to escape from the rest of the world.  

_ I don’t-- _

The half finished sentence echoes in your head and settles deeply in your heart because you were the only fool on the story -- surely, James was laughing it off somewhere, hell maybe even with Dot since it seemed like they had made-up now. 

**_It’s not that complicated. It really wasn’t that complicated it at all._ **

You had fallen in love with James Buchanan Barnes, but he certainly didn’t love you back.

And well -- you had to live with that, move on with that sinking feeling in your chest that would one day surely go away. 

But, for now, you kept on crying your heart out while ignoring the ringing of your cell phone. 


	2. in moderation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the 2nd part of Signs of Love! I am sorry that you have been waiting so long and while I promised no second part, Kacey Musgraves’ Happy & Sad really got to me and here we are. Special shoutout to @softhairbarnes who showed this lovely musician.

_ It’s not that complicated.  _

He remembers telling her with a crooked smile and coldness in his heart that he has felt for years -- since he came back from the war, since he lost his arm, since Dot crushed his heart. He doesn’t expect this to be anything but a quick fake date to the festivities that forced him to see his ex from time to time. A hug here and there, while sharing a laugh and drink with a person Wanda and Sam considered to be their good friend. 

“I understand,” is what she states with a soft smile and nod, like she can handle the weight of the world and then some. Maybe, it’s that hidden strength and patience that he feels from her that causes him to say it. 

_ Just make sure you don’t fall in love with me. _

Bucky states it so that she understands that there is nothing coming out of this in the long run for them, but deep down he knows... Bucky knows that he is saying it to protect his own heart. 

_ It’s not that complicated.  _

However, Bucky always finds a way to fuck everything up in the end. He ends up falling in love.

* * *

James can’t help but wonder if his feelings blossomed during their time together or even before then when he got to see her talking to their shared friends when she had time to see them. He knew that she worked a hectic schedule that had her leaving the city for months at a time, so maybe that’s what made it so special when she came to get a drink or had a late brunch with them.

She’s always distant but polite, always managed to say hello and goodbye but never pushed Bucky further than that. He’s grateful, but he’s also very curious about the type of person she really is -- how she giggles with the twins and manages to match quips with Sam when need be. 

Bucky wants to know more about her, but he knows how dangerous that can be. He shouldn’t go out reaching for stars when he is only going to crash and fall in the long run, but he always had a bit of Icarus in him. 

“A sandwich and coffee latte with skim milk and two sugas,” he declares to the cashier without a second thought, though with a brief memory that she had ordered that once or twice before when they had late coffee nights with everyone else. 

Bucky can’t help but curse at himself when he sees her eyes light up as she sits down. She smiles and he swears that the warning signs are already flashing in his back of his head, but he doesn’t really seem to mind as she ends up talking more about herself than he has ever heard of before. She even laughs at one of his corny jokes and Bucky knows right then and there that he is done for.

* * *

Bucky is a fool in thinking that he might not fall for her old tricks again -- that laugh and that conceding nature that Dot was so used to handling him with towards the end of their relationship sets out an irrational anger in him that makes him want to punch something, anything. She’s laughing at something with her date, Brock from Sales when he feels it -- a soft hand on his right one. 

Painted lips but with a patient smile accompanied with bright eyes stop all of Bucky’s angry thoughts.

“Are you alright?” she questions. Blue eyes are trained on her completely as Dot is completely forgotten. His anger begins to calm down as she rubs smooth circles over his knuckles and Bucky lets out a sigh that he didn’t know he was holding onto -- for so much anger, she knows how to temper it out of him in seconds. 

“Yeah,” he breathes, as she pulls him to a more quiet part of the party as they keep trading stories about Steve, Sam, and the twins for the rest of the night. 

If he sees her in his dreams the following nights afterwards, well he never tells a soul.

* * *

“You’re an idiot,” Steve confirms his initial suspicions after a month and half, “If you like her so much, just ask her out. Stop using this facade that it’s to hurt Dot.”

_ You’re just hurting the both of you in the long run,  _ is left unsaid though Bucky knows that there is where his best friend is trying to go with his speech.

However, this is the only way Bucky knows how to move forward without screwing things up because as the anger that he feels towards Dot leaves him, the love that he is feeling for her is growing. He finds herself looking at her for hours on end, listening to all she has to say about her work or something that happened that day -- James Barnes has fallen in love once again, but he knows that nothing good ever comes from being happy. It is a momentary thing that is always taken away from him in the end. 

He knows that when it all goes down hill, which it always does, it will hurt more than ever before because he has dreamed of having her asleep at his side, of kissing her and simply spending the day with her. However, he can’t have it because he doesn’t deserve it, so he acts a certain way when need be -- like a cold shower to remind both of them that this is fake and can end at any minute, whenever he chooses. 

“I know, Stevie, I know,” he lets out in a desperate groan, like a dying animal in thought of the last time they had gone out. She had tried leaning in a bit too close to his metal arm and he pushed her away -- the hurt evident in her face as she said sorry and moved away completely for the rest of the night. 

He hates himself for, but Bucky is just doing his best to protect his heart in the end.

* * *

He fucking fails miserably. 

“I’m sorry,” she states after he tells her the story of Dot and his metal arm, of the war that never seems to leave his mind and how he just hates being touched by others sometimes. But, instead of complaining or anything negative of the sort, she simply apologizes for moving forward with such an intimate thing without his permission.

“‘S fine,” he murmurs drunkenly to the darkness, as he tries to ignore the tenderness in her eyes. Nevertheless, he cups her cheek and brings her in closer, because Bucky would never mind if it was her and her alone that touched him for the rest of his life. 

“Could I?” he asks softly, trying not to break whatever is in the air that has him staring at her eyes and then her lips. She doesn’t say anything, but she does lean in a bit more and cups his cheeks for easier access. 

He pretends not to shudder as she moves in closer to his body and doesn’t shy away from his metal arm. Bucky pretends that he doesn’t get a rise from just how breathless he makes her or how perfect her body seems to fit into his. 

He’s a fucking failure, but he doesn’t mind it for now.   

* * *

Eventually, Dot must had realized it, that this wasn’t about her anymore, but more about Bucky spending time with the gal that laughed at his corny jokes in the corner of the bar during her couples’ events. They stop getting invited and Bucky comes to realize that the time for ruse is up and there are really two ways that this could go -- he can pretend that his heart wasn’t already hers or actually ask her on a real date. 

“How is it so hard to ask the gal you were already dating out?” Sam berates Bucky in annoyance, as said man takes another drink of his beer. His cellphone in his other hand, as he keeps looking at a familiar phone number. 

He hadn’t contacted her in two weeks. Now, he was doubting whether everything they had was real or not, because under all those pretenses James knew that he had fallen in love, but maybe it was just a ruse for her -- the little laughs, the kisses, everything they had shared. 

“You’re overthinking it too much again, Bucket,” Sam complains once more, dragging Bucky out of his thoughts, “She’s not Dot -- that girl wears her heart on her sleeve too damn much, especially around you. If you can’t see the way she feels about you, then you’re a goddamn fool.”

Deep down, James knows what Sam means and with his own heart thumping out to the possibility of falling in love again, he sends his message.   

* * *

_ “I don’t want anything to do with you, Dot. I’m in love with someone else now.” _

Those are the words trapped in his throat when Dot comes to his apartment a few minutes before his first official date with her, at least in his mind. All hell breaks loose when he sees her standing there, he doesn’t get a word in before she is running down the stairs and out of his apartment building. 

Bucky yells at Dot to leave and tries calling her over and over, worried sick of her getting caught in the weather and even more so over what she had seen. 

But, she never answers. Instead, he gets a call from Wanda telling him that she is all right, but would rather be alone for the time being. James ends up letting out a frustrated but pained groan at the result of all this. He drinks until he can’t coherently think anymore before passing out completely. 

Bucky knows that he should had never tried reaching out for his own happy ending.

* * *

However, it isn’t until much later (when she has left for another job detail and Wanda isn’t angry anymore) that James realizes that he had been playing a game of self-sabotage from the very beginning. She was constantly questioning his motives and how he really felt towards her. His hot and cold attitude sent her into an emotional loop that she wasn’t used and even if he tried to explain himself -- she had already created a picture of him in her mind that Bucky was sure he couldn’t beat.

“If you’re still moping on about her,” Wanda states offhandedly two months later during their shared lunch hour, “You should go check out that cafe she likes, she might be there.”   

“Wan,” James exclaims at the hook his friend as given her, but there is brief flash in her eyes that tells him that if he messes this up that he will play for it dearly. 

He grins before getting up, happier than he has felt in months.

* * *

“Are you going to be alright?”

“Yes, thank you sir,” she states with a nod to the gray-haired man, as he gets up with his coffee and leaves. 

James hadn’t been expecting to see her with anyone when he got to the little cafe where they first meet-up when this fake dating scheme started. He had brought sunflowers and had even gotten her favorite pastry. His feelings running nervously but it all left him feeling numb when he saw her sitting with another man -- had she really moved on?

However, James isn’t one to run away especially when their eyes meet and she almost gets up, but stops when the gray-haired man turns to look as well. Blue clashes with blue as the older man turns back and asks her a couple of questions in a language Bucky doesn’t understand. James walks in a few steps closer -- near the table before the man gets up and gives him one last good look, though with a permanent frown on his face.

“You hurt her again,” the older man states in a jovial but threatening sort of way, as he pats Bucky’s shoulder,”And I know how to make men like you disappear, son.” 

The man laughs at Bucky’s widening eyes because even though James had been in the military most of his youth, this man ( _ Chester _ , she exclaims in disapproval but he just waves goodbye) was something else and Bucky knew that. However, all those threatening thoughts are erased at the sight of her asking him to sit down. 

“Was that your--”

“My boss,” she explains, saving them both the awkward embarrassment, “I wasn’t exactly in the best headspace during our last trip and he wanted to talk about it.” 

“Oh,” Bucky lets out before handing her the flowers and sweet, “For you, if you want them.”

“Thank you,” she states with a smile and grabs said items from across the table, “Though, I have to ask: are these meant as a sorry or something else?” 

Her eyes meet his and at that teasing quip towards the end Bucky can’t help but feel that there is a chance, but before anything else he wants to clear the air. He wants a clean slate with her, as best as it can be, before moving forward with what he had been wishing for for months. 

“It’s meant as an apology and a start,” Bucky starts explaining, “I know were just started as a fake date sort of thing, but somewhere along the line...I feel in love with you, how kind and sweet you can be towards someone like me, but I was scared too. I didn’t treat you the best I could and I am sorry for that.”

“James,” she whispers while rubbing the yellow petals with a loving look in her eyes.

**“It’s not that complicated,”** Bucky states with a grin at the familiar term that he had used, “But, I wanna have a shot with ya and I swear it won’t be like all those fake dates we went on. I’ll wine and dine ya like no one ever has.” 

She grins at his declaration, love and excitement in her eyes as she declares: “I think you owe me a movie night first, that would be a good start.”

“Anything you want, doll.” 

“I think you’re digging yourself into a hole if you say that.” 

At the sound of her laugh and excitement, even after everything that they had gone through, Bucky knew he was willing to fight for his happy ending if it had her in it. 


End file.
